REVIEW: Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

It took me a while to finally sit down with the nearly universally-panned Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022). Truth be told, the few clips and images I saw online were enough to tell me that I despised Leatherface's, ahem, new look.

I decided to take an optimistic approach. After all, people seem to forget just how goofy ol' Leather has gotten over the years. Anyone remember him chainsaw dueling with Dennis Hopper? How about the monumental leap in judgement when he chainsawed poor Jordana Brewster in the backseat of a car without her hearing anything? And who could forget Leatherface in drag being scolded by Renee Zellweger? 

Somehow I always take him with a grain of salt. Now in this sequel disguised as a remake, he faces his greatest adversary: ENTITLED INFLUENCERS. Christ, I wish I was making that up.

While this movie seems to want to remake the setting, it's nonetheless a sequel, in which smirking entitled cliches obtain the ownership of a derelict Texas town, with the plans to build an utopia of douchebaggery. One of the buildings; an old orphanage, is still occupied by its proprietor, and her troublesome old ward.

Admittedly, the setting, however changed, is pretty cool, but the Leatherface lore doesn't make any sense, when it's supposed to be a sequel. The addition of adult Sally Hardesty only adds to the confusion, the first question being WHY THE HELL WOULD SHE REMAIN NEAR LEATHERFACE FOR YEARS?! 

When the fecal matter hits the fan, the film shines for a little bit. Newcomer director David Blue Garcia clearly has a love for all things gore, and that is the film's biggest strength. The characters are dispatched per horror film cliche regulation: the police, the black guy, the black girl, the asshole etc. There is a pretty sick satisfaction in watching Leatherface carve up a bus full of idiots talking about canceling him, as idiotic as that sounds.

At a whopping 85 minutes, the film tries it's best to not overstay its welcome, yet somehow the final act feels dragged out. The fact that the script called for two 90 lb pacifist women to fight Leatherface is laughable. The negative is only further compounded by the Sally character, who is written as some kind of revenge arc, only to have her unceremoniously murdered and tossed into the garbage. Literally. It's an insult to the character, and how bloody good Marilyn Burns crushed it so many years ago.

The biggest problem is Leatherface himself. Most actors have always approached him as a mentally unbalanced, screaming psychopath. This version comes off more like a calculated, emotional hunter type. And the new face, though I understand why they used it, doesn't look good at all. This is the severed face version of the wifebeater. I also don't appreciate how easily hurt he is in this. The whole beauty of the character is his monstrous frame, and his almost unshakeable strength. Here he takes punches and kicks and stabs like they are a big deal. Hashtag NotMyLeatherface.

In the end, the hate on this film is perfectly justified, though there are a few plusses. It's well shot, and acted for the most part. The characters are unlikeable, which is always a bonus for a violent movie. I must also admit, I absolutely loved the savagery of the final moments. 

Having said all that, skip this and watch the original.

HORR SCORE: There are a few tense scenes, and a couple of jumps. More of a gore fest than a scare fest.

GORE SCORE: Fodder central. Severed limbs, extended smiles, disemboweled hipsters, faces for accessorizing. Arguably the only great thing about this.