Top Douchebags In Horror - Part 1

1) Beni (Kevin J O'Connor) - The Mummy

Starting the list is probably the broadest genre entry. Hamunaptra of The Mummy is a pretty wild ride. One must deal with voices of the dead, mummified warriors, flesh eating scarabs, sword-toting guardians, ancient curses, and booby traps. If you get through all that, your next challenge awaits. Enter Beni.

WHY HE SUCKS

Beni, the fellow soldier and confidant of Rick O'Connell (Brendan Fraser), is at his core, a coward. In his very first scene, he not only pansies out of a firefight, but locks a fleeing O'Connell out of safety.

Both compete for returning to Hamunaptra first, to get to the heaping treasure within. Upon returning, he flees a curse, and ends up smooth-praying his way to becoming the right hand scumbag of Imhotep (Arnold Vosloo). 

Essentially Beni's entire arc is spent betraying the good guys as well as his bad guys, feeding the evil mummy fresh meat to regenerate. 

COMEUPPANCE 

Eventually Beni strays far enough away from his sand-daddy long enough to start stealing gold from the tombs, and loading up all of the camels with bags. His greed catches up with him, when he accidentally sets off a booby trap, which causes the tomb to close in on itself. Slowed down by carrying too much weight, Beni eventually gets trapped forever in the tomb. And then the scarabs come out to play. To add insult to fatal injury, the heroes escape and ride off on the camels, unaware of all the gold in their possession. Ouch, Beni.

The good citizens of Fairwater are dealing with a heart attack epidemic. More specifically, an executed serial killer has been committed ghostly attacks to keep his kill count going, and Frank Bannister (Michael J Fox), a local psychic, is a big person of interest for the FBI, and they send in Milton Dammers. 

Note: the Ray character from this film narrowly avoided ending up on this list.

WHY HE SUCKS

Milton is...weird. Off the charts weird. His questioning quickly devolves into accusations and psychotic behavior, despite everybody trying to explain facts to him. He believes Bannister is psychically killing these people, and refuses to believe anything else. After a jail escape to try to save future victims, Bannister has Dammers in pursuit for the entire final act. When further evidence presents itself via an urn containing the killer's ashes, and can finally be stopped, Dammers smugly dumps the ashes, freeing the killer to do more damage. This is done without any rhyme or reason, beyond that Milton is just purely a douchebag. The reveal that he is mentally scarred from going undercover with prominent satanic cults offers a bit of an explanation.

COMEUPPANCE 

Milton's persistence to lock up Frank brings him to the wrong place at the wrong time, and he gets a shotgun haircut for his troubles, via the killer's girlfriend. In the days that follow, Milton's ghost is observed grumpily following around the local sheriff. It's lonely for the recently deceased, especially when they are this douchey.

EVIL LOGIC

"Yes I am, I'm an asshole. With an uzi!"

God, Micah sucks. There's wanting to document the harrowing ghostly phenomena going on in your house, and then there's just being a full blown dickhead. That's Micah.

WHY HE SUCKS

Poor Katie. She's dealt with the spooky since she was a kid, and has finally opened up to her partner, Micah. He in turn decides to provoke activity in any way he can, despite how horrified his wife is, or any dire consequences as a result.

His antics include arrogantly scoffing at a local priest's assessment of their situation, bringing home a ouija board, ignoring help from experts, and even shouting at the unseen force, challenging it to show itself. Even after physical violence occurs, he's still on his bullshit.

COMEUPPANCE 

Micah has pissed the demon off enough, that Katie ends up in hours-long possessed transes at night. Some confusion ensues, and Micah is killed in the hullabaloo. The entire theater breaks down in tears. Just kidding.

EVIL LOGIC

"I promised you I wasn't going to buy a Ouija board. I didn't buy a Ouija board. I borrowed a Ouija board."

There is nothing scarier than small dick energy in the face of apocalyptic horror. Our subject is Mr. Roach, a local short order cook who ends up barricaded in a hotel with 6 others while demons plot outside. The only thing stopping them is a key full of holy blood that they need to Kickstart the Apocalypse. Roach -  "Just give them the key."

What did you expect? He's fresh off of a hooker session involving a car battery.

WHY HE SUCKS

There's the aforementioned lack of intelligence. He's an incredible prick to Brayker (William Sadler), and pretty much anyone else who disagrees with him. He raises his hand to his 'girl', and even throws her in the path of a pursuing demon while he makes an escape. And they say romance is dead. 

The final nail comes when he steals the key from Brayker in a play to negotiate with the Collector (Billy Zane), essentially to be spared, but cares not if the others die.

COMEUPPANCE 

After a masterful negotiation with the underworld, Roach gives over their only leverage, and clears the path for them to kill the others. He, of course, is double crossed and mauled by a horde of demons. Vaya con Dios, Roach!

EVIL LOGIC

"You know this 'end of the world' business? Big fuckin' deal. I got hemorrhoids."

Mia's cabin in the woods detoxing retreat may be going a little too off the rails. Summoning demons may be the ticket to liven things up. Eric has them covered.

WHY HE SUCKS

In all fairness, I think Eric mostly means well. He is, after all, there to help a friend in need. Having said that, and I'm sorry, but finding a basement full of hanged cats, and a skin-bound book wrapped in barbed wire may be the universe telling you something. 

Eric, who is supposed to be the educated one of the bunch (his glasses are a dead giveaway), ops to open the book and read from it. The book literally had text within that reads 'do not read from this book or you will die', and yet this momo does exactly that. As his loved ones start subsequently dying horrible deaths, he never seems to properly acknowledge how dumb he was, and instead takes a shit load of physical violence. A nail gun in particular seems quite fond of him. 

COMEUPPANCE 

Between his girlfriend and Mia, Eric takes quite the beating. While it's maddening that he never truly acknowledges his monumental levels of cinematic stupidity, he doesn't live to tell the tale. So there's thar, I guess.

EVIL LOGIC

He didn't have any.